skybluejeep | IC Contact Post For Tushanshu & Nematon

[He turns to Derek, and lets a little smile curl his lips up, before digging back in.

God. He's got it so bad. Get over it, get over it, get over it...just because he's being nice to you, Stilinski, doesn't mean a thing. He's said a billion times, just friends. This is the kind of thing friends do. It's nothing more than that, and never will be anything more than that.]

So, how's the job going?

Fine. [ He grows a little quieter at that. ] Not as interesting, without Erica around. But it's good.

...Yeah.

[He glances at Derek's profile, before going back to his noodles.]

I'm glad you have a job you like. That's important.

It's alright. [ He shrugs a shoulder. ] It's not... what I'd like to do.

Oh?

[His heart skips a beat, because he's never heard Derek talk about this.]

What would you like to do? If you say anything other than lumberjack, you're wasting your life.

[ No one has, not since New York, and Derek knows this, hears Stiles' heart skips a beat and thinks maybe he'll understand why I'm telling him.

He takes a bite, chewing thoughtfully, before answering. ] In New York, I was a paramedic. So maybe that. My first year of college, I was majoring in history. I wasn't sure what I was going to do with it, it was just something I wanted to do.

[He blinks at that, and knowing everything he does about Derek, his heart melts. And he thought his crush couldn't possibly get worse.]

Well, you read everything you get your hands on. I'm not surprised by the history major. And...I bet you look dead sexy in a paramedic uniform.

[ He grimaces slightly. ] I did have a couple people ask me to perform mouth to mouth on them.

[He snorts a bit with laughter.]

I can just imagine.

Although...honestly? If you were my medic, and I was in pain, and you glared at me with your eyebrows, I'd be a lot less inclined to whine. But I'd feel safe. I'd know I was in good hands.

[ They'd been conscious, at the time, even!

Derek looks up at Stiles, at that, and he doesn't know how to feel. Confused, a little angry that Stiles might be lying (but, no, his heart seems steady, aside from the usual upticks Stiles gets when he's around Derek), hopeful, raw. Because, really, at that time in his life, that was all he wanted. He wanted people to feel safe, to be okay, to help save lives or at least let them cling to it a little longer until he could get them to someone who could save them. Now, his goal was to just stay alive himself.

Hearing someone say that they'd feel safe around him, hearing someone from home say that, someone who wasn't his sister and was therefore obligated to, it was like a punch to the gut. His heart even seized a little bit, his chest aching for a long moment. ] Yeah?

[ And it's lame, that that's all he can say, and he knows it, but he also doesn't know what else to. ]

[He glances at Derek, and then his heart does start beating faster, because the look on Derek's face right now is just...too heartbreakingly beautiful. So lost and stricken and weirdly hopeful. And Stiles feels like he's going to barf, because he wants to kiss that face again, wants to just...

Never. Never gonna happen. This is worse than Lydia. At least Lydia never told him in so many words 'We're just friends.' Like Derek had. At least Lydia liked boys. So he looks away again, biting the inside of his cheek, and nods once.]

Yeah.

Thank you. [ He says it kind of dumbly, like he wasn't expecting it to be the truth. ]

Hey, of course.

[He can't look at him anymore. Taking in a breath, he applies himself back to his pad thai. Hey, big shrimp. Oxymoron. He pops it back in his mouth, chewing, occupying his mouth to keep from saying something stupid and ruining everything again.

His heart is beating so fast, and he's fighting back stupid, self-pitying tears.]

[ And, okay, maybe it's rude, and maybe his mom is chiding him from heaven for it but.. ] You don't.. have to be nervous, Stiles. It's fine.

Me? I'm fine.

[And that is the most blatant, bald-faced lie he's ever told. One doesn't have to be a werewolf to see how much he's lying.]

You aren't. [ Flatly. ] Is my being here a problem? Because I can go.

[And he sighs. Welp. Now Derek wants to leave because he can't even stand to be around Stiles' spazziness.]

...Yeah, it's a problem. It's a huge problem, okay?

[And he's up and crossing the living room with his plate, hating himself completely.]

It's a problem because apparently I'm a complete loser. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be weird around you. I really don't. But I can't even hide my feelings from you, which is clearly making you uncomfortable. So yeah, problem.

[ Derek watches him go, and huffs, because, what? No, that wasn't right, and Derek can smell the misery and loathing rolling off Stiles, this wasn't how this was supposed to go at all. Derek sets his plate down, a little harder than he means to, and stands up, walking right up to Stiles and taking his plate. He sets it aside and crowds up into Stiles' personal space, looking him in the eye. ] You still have feelings for me.

Yes!

[God, Derek right up in his personal space is thrilling and confusing and painful, so he does what he does best, which is rant.]

Yes, okay? Yes. I'm not over it. I'm not gonna get over it. That's not how I work, okay? Ask Lydia, she'll give you chapter and verse. You two can form a damn club! The "Amazing people who that idiot loser just won't get over" club.

It's a small club, very exclusive membership. Okay? Fine. Yes. So you better go. Because I cant-...I'm just not strong enough to-...

[ Derek had to hear him say it. He had to listen for it, had to make sure that Stiles wasn't lying, because he and Stiles are friends, and he and Stiles might be more than friends, but Derek can't trust himself to just go with it, anymore. He knows Stiles isn't Kate, he knows Stiles isn't Jennifer, he isn't Peter, but there's a part of Derek that will cause him to second guess things like that, whether or not something is real.

He needed to hear that Stiles wasn't lying when he said it, because Derek didn't trust himself to believe him without that concrete proof.

Derek doesn't quite know what to do with that information, as glad as he is to hear it. Stiles is angry and Derek's fairly sure that if he kisses him now, it'll just make him angrier. But he has to let him know somehow. ]

Okay.

[ He says it quietly, but firmly, and he steps back from Stiles just enough to let him get away if he wants to. Derek's hoping Stiles realizes that Derek doesn't want him to. ]

[And Derek is stepping away and saying 'okay.' Which Stiles takes to mean that he's leaving. Again.

And the loneliness, the utter and complete and god-awful loneliness hits him like a freight train. He turns away from Derek to grip at the counter, and refuses, fucking refuses to cry. No crying. No.]

...Okay.

No, I mean that's okay. [ He says it firmer, maybe even a little angrier, because Stiles isn't catching on. ] It's okay. I... [ And he huffs, angry at himself, because the words are getting stuck again. Derek clenches a fist, closing his eyes. ] I'm glad you do. Because it means I was wrong. And I really wanted to be wrong.

[Now he's just confused. Confused and lonely, not a good combo.]

Huh? What...were you wrong about?

Derek, I-...

[He can't. He literally cannot right now. He shuts his mouth and winces: He's biting the inside of his cheek so hard that he's drawing blood.]

[ Derek can smell the blood, and he frowns at it, narrowing his eyes. ] I caused you to break up with someone you were happy with. It was my fault you were miserable. I saw you... asking someone else out to dinner, so I thought... you didn't, anymore. And I didn't want that. At all.

What?!

[Now he's turned back around, a completely gobsmacked look on his face.]

You didn't cause me to do anything! Oh, no. No! No, Derek, you are not allowed to feel guilt about my mistake. And who the hell was I asking out to dinner, what are you even talking about?

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